Why Group?

A new guy joined us for group last night, and perhaps in light of that (but a great exercise either way) Jack offered each of us the opportunity to express our expectations for small group. I was surprised how clear and defined my own expectations are, and surprised again how selfish my list sounded – but I think it’s a good list. Here's it is:

1. Authenticity. I don’t want to waste time pretending to be something I am not, or hearing you do likewise. Group is a sacred place where we determine to be honest, including our fears, difficulties, and failures.

2. Confidentiality. Authenticity doesn’t happen without a reassurance of safety. It’s hard enough to risk rejection in the group by letting you know my crap, I certainly don’t want it shared outside the group.

3. No advice. I enjoy and learn from the advice that sometimes will surface in group, but that’s not why I come. I simply need to be heard an accepted. My true challenges have little to do with needing guidance. I pretty much know what I need to do. More often, I simply need to be honest with myself, and honesty in group helps me do that.

4. Presence. The thing I really come to group for is to be with the guys. When there is a good exchange of ideas and I am challenged (as actually happens at every group), I consider that a bonus. The most significant thing for me is simply the time spent with people who know me well, and whom I know well, and where there is mutual concern.

5. Change. If I leave group with more knowledge, that’s nice, but what I really want and need at the end of the day is to be different for the time spent. Positive life change is my litmus test for time well spent.

What’s your list?

On Stage

Part of my personal struggle has been to believe that God actually speaks directly to me. I speak a lot “at” God, but I have not been a good listener. That’s partly because not believing that God is speaking to you doesn’t encourage much listening. But I’m getting better. And as I get better at believing and listening, I am hearing God in my life more. God showed up big for me at group this week.

I’m not even sure how it started - I only know I didn’t start it this time. Somehow the conversation turned to whether our group would – should – could – wanted to even talk about multiplying into two groups. I started this conversation months ago, but we all felt very hesitant and resistant. Why would we take a chance on destroying the good thing we had built? Did we really want to go through all the work that it takes to create an environment where authentic, gut level sharing is not only possible, but the only accepted standard? What if the two groups we created weren’t as life giving and authentic as this one?

Given the resistance, I stopped talking about dividing the group. Instead, at the end of every group for the past few months, I have prayed openly in the group that God would open our hearts and help us find a way to share what we have found in our group with other men. God showed up Wednesday and softened our hearts a bit. By no means have we agreed to form two groups. We’re all still hesitant, fearful, and - I think we would all agree - a bit selfish. But now God has engaged us in the conversation and only good things can happen. We spent our group discussing could we, should we, would we. We’ve agreed to continue the conversation and, more importantly, pray about multiplying our group. Stay tuned for how this part of the story unfolds! The conversation alone reinforces for me that God listens to my prayers and will speak directly into my life if I work on God’s time and listen for the quiet stirrings.

But that was only half the story. I have been struggling since before the Plan B series with whether I’m in a big enough story. My life is blessed – especially compared to the struggles guys in my group are facing. So I’ve been questioning whether I’m using my gifts and talents enough. Have I just become comfortable and not really contributing much to the world around me? God and I have been round and round on this. Is it God’s plan and God’s story that I’m currently in or is it my plan and what I want the story to be that’s making me unsettled? Does God want more from me or do I want to write my own script?

It seems one of the reasons most of the guys are hesitant to multiply our group is that they believe my leadership has contributed significantly to the authenticity and depth of our group. Talk about humbling. I know I lead this group well, but it’s out of my weakness and need. I need this group in my life as strength against my sinfulness. I need a place that is authentic because I have fooled myself so much in my life - I have often been the least trustworthy person I know when it comes to sin and other important aspects of my life. I believe I lead well because I need much from this group and have gotten much from this group. To be praised as the leader of this group by the amazing men in this group is high praise.

And so whose story is important? God is using my weakness, neediness, talent and availability to help create an environment where ten other guys feel the strong presence of God and the real support of other followers of Jesus. Is that an important enough story to feel good about where God has led me in my life? Has Jesus put me on a big enough stage to make an important difference in others’ lives? I think we all imagine ourselves doing big, important things on the world stage. But leading ten guys in a journey to deeper relationship with Christ and struggling to figure out how to welcome others into that journey is the stage God has placed me on. Awesome. I am blessed to be in the story God has set me in. I am praying I play my part well.

How’s your story? Is God’s stage big enough for you? Are you performing well on that stage?

Unknown Unknowns

I just heard an interview with Don Rumsfeld, on his new book. In it he says there are "known knowns, known unknowns and unknown unknowns." There are things you know you know; there are things you know you don't know about and there are things you don't know you don't know about. Nativity is building a culture of small groups and it is exciting to watch and be a part of. I know how important small group is in supporting your life's journey. I know what an amazing, life-changing, God-changing-your-life thing it is and can be. I'm in one.

There are people who have a general sense of a program at Nativity, "sort of like Bible study, right?" but they haven't joined up yet and so it is a known unknown for them. They know they are not part of something, but don't know exactly what they are missing.

Then there are people at church who do not know about small groups and do not know at all what one is because they just don't know they exist in the first place.

We in small groups, should let our enthusiasm and even gratitude to God for our own personal small group, spill over so that everyone at Nativity knows.

No more unknowing.

10,000 Miles From Home

Ellen and I have been traveling the last ten days. I’ve missed my small group and being at Nativity on Sunday. What a great thing to have a small group DVD with me and to be able to check out Sunday’s message and the message guide readings on the internet. I feel connected and nourished even when I’m almost 10,000 miles away from home.
We’ve been staying at a home near Manila for children who have physical and developmental handicaps. What an amazing place! It’s a bit off the beaten path, not flashy, and very basic by American standards. It’s not Haiti, for sure, but, it’s not Timonium either. I’ve watched handicapped kids serve other handicapped kids at dinner; I saw staff members sweep sidewalks with straw for brooms; I walked through a laundry that does wash for 80 children every day with one staff person and two developmentally children doing all the work; I arm wrestled with kids who have trouble walking, but smile constantly; and I constantly felt God’s presence where ever I went.
And in the midst of all this I came to a deeper understanding of what Plan B is all about. When Fr. White talks about God calling us into a bigger story, I feel that my story is clearly not big enough. I don’t influence enough people or make enough change in the world. I am not part of a big story. And some of that’s true – I can clearly be doing more. But that looks at the story from my viewpoint – not God’s.
How much influence does the woman in the laundry room have here? How much change in the world is happening because of what a doctor does in this isolated part of the Philippines? Who even knows this place exists? What’s the big story here – really?
But being in a big story means being in God’s story, not my own. How can God not see what is being done here in so many simple ways with these children as a very big story. Sweeping a sidewalk with a straw broom – what’s the big deal. If you do it in God’s story, it’s a big deal. If all you care about is your story – not such a big deal.
What story is God calling me to be in? One with a lot of status, fancy clothes, big car, nice house? Maybe, but what’s so big about that story if that’s the whole story. God will certainly see someone fixing toilets in this home for kids as a bigger story than me working to get a new, bigger car. Someone feeding a child here is surly in a bigger story than me if I’m just trying to influence others just to get more for myself.
Being in a bigger story is what we should be focused on. But it’s only a bigger story if it is God’s story. And God’s story is a big story whether it’s in a small children’s home in out of the way Manila or in my own backyard of Timonium. I need to be in God’s story, whatever it is for me, because that’s the only really big story. What story are you in?

Hope In the New Year

Our first get-together of the New Year and there’s no message series to kick us off. So what do a group of mostly Catholic guys do to begin a New Year? You reach a bit (or maybe a lot for some of us) and ask each guy to bring and share a scripture verse that reflects their hopes for the New Year.
If you want to know if God really shows up in small groups, check out the richness of the scripture that this bunch of self professed bible illiterate Catholic guys were able to pull together on very short notice.

I hope in the New Year that I…
Proverbs 3:5-6 = trust God more and rely less on my own wisdom and power
James 2:23-26/4:13-17 = have the courage to do the right thing no matter what the personal cost
Exodus 4:39-42 = know the Lord more than know about the Lord (Rahner)
Romans 12:9-13 = keep faith, practice love, and share myself even in midst of my struggles
Matthew 6:25-34 = worry less and focus on what I really need, not want
Romans 8:28 = really come to know (not wish or hope) that God is working always for my good even if I can’t see it
Psalm 46 = will become more quiet, know that God is God, and that God is okay with my struggle
1 Thessalonians 4:9-12 = serve my clients at work better by working harder
Psalm 19 = can translate the ability to see God’s greatness in nature into seeing God’s greatness in my life
Jeremiah 29:11/Ecclesiastes 7:14/Joshua 1:9/Psalm 23 (obviously, some of us are better versed in scripture than others or just couldn’t settle on one!) = commit to what God, not I, want for my life and deal with my anger issues better
Ephesians 4:17-32 = live a more God honoring life and not just say the words

It continues to amaze me what can happen in small groups. Two years ago, this exercise would have been a difficult (if not threatening) one for most of us. We all had a “passing acquaintance” with scripture, but never really encountered God in the words of scripture. And now, scripture’s richness, comfort, guidance and hope are real parts of our group. The practical scripture application from the pulpit at Nativity and the message series definitely help. But you if you only sit in rows on Sunday and never join the circle of a small group, you will really miss out on an important part of your journey. God’s word speaks more clearly to us in our circle, has more practical meaning in our lives because of what we share with each other, and, more and more, our hopes are built on those words and how they resonate more clearly through the voices of our group members.

What would your scripture verse be for the New Year? It’d be great if you’d share it with us - and your own small group. We’d love to add your hopes to our prayers for the New Year.

Old Year, New Year

God gave us seven days between Christmas and New Years so we could recover from the Christmas rush and get ready for the New Year. Good and gracious God. I’ve had some quiet time to do some thinking. If you sat this week and thought about your small group, what would you tell us? Here are some of my thoughts about our group:

- All 11 guys carved out some time to dive deeper in a weekend retreat – an amazing experience for all of us
- This group leader has deepened his faith and moved forward in his faith journey because of the guys in my group - thanks for the blessing
- If you haven’t felt challenged, angry, confused, exhilarated, authentic, excited, sad, dishonest, humbled, questioning, hurt, like a “poser”, hopeful, more trusting, guilty, arrogant, closer to God, farther from God, are you really leading and is it an authentic group
- One guy’s commitment to Baltimore Station has kept the rest of us grounded in the needs of others and humbled by the effort some people at the Station put in to remaking their lives
- Anger, lust, guilt, money, priorities, and many, many more topics were wrestled with and dealt with real honesty
- Watching a guy struggle to save his business is hard, but not as hard as trying to save it
- Memorizing verses from scripture can anchor your life: “I know that in all things God works for the good of those who love God.” (Paul to the Romans)
- The singing is getting better, but the guitar playing is still a work in progress
- Feeling the presence and power of God work every week in a small group is awesome
- Sharing the pain of one guy’s impending separation and the relief of a Christmas shared with family who loves him makes Christmas special
- There are great cooks in our group who are beginning to get a handle on portion control
- Struggling with whether you believe in God or not is a great reason to be in a Nativity small group
- Blogging is like journaling only more public and more scary
- Telling your story – and multiple times - to a group of guys you have come to trust will change the way you tell your story next time
- Authentic relationships only come when people help keep each other honest
- Three new guys joining the group can make the group even stronger
- Staying connected with a brother in Afghanistan is hard – prayers help
- Christmas pot luck suppers are a lot of fun – and quite tasty
- Nativity message series are not for the faint of faith – they will challenge you, threaten some of your old beliefs, and grow you as a follower of Christ
- Eldredge on prayer can change you relationship with God – really
- The challenge of a small group is to become more authentic in your relationship with God and everyone around you
- “Posing” is hard to do for long in a healthy small group
- How does a tight group who enjoy coming together face the challenge of opening up to more guys who need what a great group can offer – prayer

I am blessed by my group and my Heavenly Father’s real presence there. My prayer for 2011 is that all of you and many, many more are blessed by the grace and gift of a strong, healthy, authentic small group. Happy New Year.